Ladies and gentlemen, since my comeback out of premature retirement as a R&B icon, I have received literarally thousands of letters requesting my opinion on everything from lost love to how to get a boot off of a Cadillac (very gently and pure virgin Tibeten olive oil is required). So I decided to publish some of the more interesting and amusing letters. If you have any inquiries that you would like me to respond to, please send them to
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Stay tuned for the world premiere of my new video "I'll Toss Yo Salad". It's an uplifting song, I swear. Here's our first letter.
Dear Funky Uncle Lester, I'm a young resonably in shape young woman with a good christian bringing up and moral values who has been out of work for the past six months and can't seem to find a job. A friend of mine's who works at strip joint and makes very good money has suggested that I come and apply for a job working where she works. The money is good and I'm considering it. My problem is....how do I tell my parents or do I keep it from them should I decide to become a dancer? Please help
Dear Tonya B, first of all what the hell does "reasonably" in shape mean? If you got some junk in yo trunk, just say that and let's move on. You can't be weighing 378 and calling yo self "big fine" or "reasonably in shape" on these internet dating sites and what not. Now I ain't judging you, cause I like a lil meat with my potatoes, but if I order shrimp from the damn menu and they bring me meat loaf, I'm mad as a mofo. That's false advertising. Now back to yo question....shit what was the question?...Oh....look Boo, make it work for you. If yo change is strange, yo money's funny and ya green's lean, and you gotta shake a lil tail to pay a bill, I'm not judging you. As a matter of fact If you catch me on the right Friday I'll make a contribution to the cause. Being a good christian ain't got nothing to do with it. Some of the biggest freaks I know came from the church (as a matter of fact a lot of them still there). I'm assuming that you're of legal age. If you are, I'd say it's time to cut the apron strings and do what's best for YOU, not your mamma, your friends or you enemies. I've seen some of you youngsters dancin in the club and what ya'll doin ain't far from porno-geo-graphic. Send me a tape of yourself dancing and I promise to give you my honest opinion on whether you pole ready. If you are, I'll send you over to Pretty Tony at the Hairy Canary Gentlemen's Club. It beats bagging groceries at the Wal Mart.